A Rose by Any Other Name
A young single mother recently wrote: “I don’t receive anything, nor am I honoured on Mother’s Day. Not that it’s necessary, but it would definitely be nice.”
I believe she speaks for young single mothers in general. Single moms are heroic labourers in the service of their children, often being the sole provider who ensures a roof over their children’s heads and food on their children’s plates; and also being their children’s sole source of kisses to heal scraped knees, cookies for the school party, and the values education on which their children’s character will be formed. They’re not the kind of people who tell a five-year-old “you should bring me a gift and a card this Sunday.” And five-year-olds don’t know how to show their mom gratitude unless someone teaches them.
Now, to be fair, moms in two-parent and extended families also provide for their children and kiss boo-boos and teach values; and they aren’t the kind of people who demand gifts and flowers, either. But implicitly, they aren’t the sole provider. The other adults in the family are positioned to teach the children about Mother’s Day, about showing gratitude and making thoughtful gestures. Sometimes it does get out of hand: The Dad or Grandma of a newborn gets so excited about the little one’s first Mother’s Day that they end up taking over — and even over-the-top — the thoughtful gestures of the day. It is NOT “Wife’s Day” or “Daughter-in-law’s Day”. When adults take over and edge out the children, the day becomes just another Hallmark Holiday. Which is, in fact, what Mother’s Day is: Hallmark did not create the holiday, but they began profiteering from the sale of Mother’s Day cards so enthusiastically that Anna Jarvis — who originally advocated to establish Mother’s Day — ended up advocating in vain to have it cancelled. Now, over a century later, it’s an $18 billion marketing frenzy, and we can be sure that’s driven more by corporate greed than by childish gratitude. And that’s not the kind of recognition that mothers find affirming.
That leaves churches in a strange situation. Back in the nineteenth century it was women, many of them mothers, who led protestant church’s Sunday-school movement, which was targetted not on teaching children to sing “Jesus Loves Me”, but rather on addressing widespread illiteracy among the working poor. It was women, including mothers, who led the reconciliation movement after the United State’s Civil War; in 1914 it was women — particularly mothers — who held up the ideal of world peace even as world war loomed. The first Mother’s Day observances were at church services, a simple focus of thanksgiving for the ministry of these laywomen. But those church services were also a means of reinforcing social expectation on women: that they should marry and bear children, and put home-making at the head of their priorities. Unmarried and childless women were violating society’s expectation dangerously unencumbered by male headship and childrearing responsibilities, were not celebrated at all despite their many contributions. Today, many congregations buy roses or other flowers and present one to each mother in the congregation. Mother’s Day sermons have a sad track record of celebrating the narrowness of traditional gender roles, with the single stem rose becoming a poor compensation for the equal respect and power that church authorities have often withheld from women.
So what is Mother’s Day in the life of the church? $18 billion dollars — that’s mammon, and the church should rightly distance itself from that false master. Trivializing and restricting the women’s roles, particularly in the context of celebrating women who refused to be prevented from the work to which God called them, was a sin, and the church is repenting from that sin in its history. Centering a worship service around human roles and gender assumptions, when the only right focus for the church’s worship is Jesus Christ, is idolatry and a huge mistake!!! What is the church to do? Toss out Mother’s Day altogether?
Well, no. Because serving the poor, and working for reconciliation and peace — the ministries that inspired Mother’s Day — are examples of God’s work in the world. We Christians have nothing in this world that should be more celebrated, than the example of fellow believers who have listened to God and obeyed. Parenting well is also God’s work: God entrusts children to parents, and in carrying out that trust parents too are doing God’s work. Parents also ought to be celebrated. And those single moms (the ones featured back at the start of this blog entry) deserve the same tokens of appreciation and honour as moms in multi-adult families. So, instead of perpetuating shallow gestures and consumerism (those roses being part of the aformentioned $18 billion) perhaps we can find some more meaningful gesture. A gesture, perhaps, like helping children experience gratitude and the joy of giving. Like providing a fun experience that just happens to include a token of appreciation for Mom herself — without Mom having to ask for it.
I thought our Free Children’s Mother’s Day Market was just a fun idea. But Joy, who suggested it, must have seen that this matters. It’s an intrinsic part of strengthening gratitude and appreciation in our culture. It’s another way we can support one another in Calgary’s south-east neighbourhoods.